Juan Valdez Pod Coffee Maker

Juan Valdez Pod Coffee Maker

Making Coffee Is Not Like Killing Cylons

You keep your money in a sock. Your lawn looks like Fred Sanford’s. You haven’t bought new underwear since the early 90’s. You still spell “90’s” with an apostrophe no matter what those new-fangled college eggheads say. And you only watched Seinfeld that one time you couldn’t find the remote. But you need your damn coffee.

This Juan Valdez JVPM1W Pod Coffee Maker is for you. You who know that a cup’a joe shouldn’t cost six bucks. Why fight for one open table just so you can listen to a half hour of Enya? Stay home! Pump up the Nuge! Enjoy that removable 40 ounce tank to the fullest!

Thanks to the design, your JuanPod will give you one cup at a time, no waste and no big mess. You’ll be drinking down the good stuff before some cashier trainee can say “skinny white almond decaf mocha lattechino”. And if your rich cousin from England shows up, Juan’s got your back with the universal pod holder that accepts tea bags. Just cause he talks funny don’t mean he ain’t family!

When you’re full of this coffee, you’ll feel warm, safe, and excited. Like you were a mob boss being shot through a pillow. Only without that embarrassing step when they find your body covered in bloody feathers. And never again will you have to answer “What is that mermaid doing, Daddy?”

The Juan Valdez JVPM1W Pod Coffee Maker is coffee for the people who need it most. Don’t waste your money on impulse brownies and Bono Flavored Water. Waste it on useful stuff, like pay-per-view boxing and a new lawnmower. And by the way, why don’t we sell lawnmowers?